


please don't go (i won't leave you)

by fiveisarat



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Dean Winchester Uses Actual Words, Episode: s15e18 Despair - Castiel's Confession Scene, First Kiss, Fix-It, Fuck you canon, Happy Ending, Hurt Dean Winchester, Hurt/Comfort, Jack Kline as God, Love Confessions, M/M, Men of Letters Bunker (Supernatural), Mutual Pining, My First Work in This Fandom, Post s15x18, Season/Series 15, The Empty (Supernatural), here have some pain, i gave in and wrote destiel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-07
Updated: 2021-01-07
Packaged: 2021-03-18 05:27:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,743
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28612815
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fiveisarat/pseuds/fiveisarat
Summary: "Goodbye, Dean." And his angel smiles, an awful, tearful smile, and Dean wonders how this could be Cas' moment of true happiness. How can it be, when it's tearing Dean up inside, making him feel unsteady and sick?But then Castiel's hand is on Dean's chest, shoving him back. His back hits the wall with a thud just as blind panic forces him back up, back onto his feet. He sees the Empty is reaching for Cas, winding around him, but Dean absolutely will not stand here and let this thing take Castiel. So he reaches out and grabs Cas' arm. The angel's eyes go wide and alarmed just as the Empty takes him.And the Empty doesn't care. The Empty takes both of them.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 13
Kudos: 239





	please don't go (i won't leave you)

**Author's Note:**

> im still too sad to even explain why this exists so have this: the finale/cas' death killed me and i wrote this to cope 2 months after (or, my sad attempt at writing destiel knowing full well i'm not equipped because i don't watch supernatural.)

"When Jack was dying, I... I made a deal to save him." 

This is not how Dean imagined this situation going. The door behind him will be broken down soon, and they will get him and Cas. And everybody. Everyone will die, and it feels like the end. It sinks like a rock, weighing him down. Cas' deal, whatever it was, is not on his list of things he wants to hear in his probably final moments of life. 

"You what?" he asks, the sinking feeling that usually signals something awful happening immediately after creeping into his stomach. What sort of deal could Cas have made? What would he have given away? And this is important somehow, isn't it?   
  
"The... The price was my life," the brown-haired man says, meeting Dean's gaze. "When I experienced a moment of true happiness, the Empty would be summoned and it would take me forever." 

_Goddammit, Cas._ But all that comes out is, "Why are you telling me this now?" He clenches and unclenches his fists, anxiety shooting through him in painful sparks.   
  
"I always wondered, ever since I took that burden, that curse, I wondered what it could be, what..." Castiel pauses. "What my true happiness could even look like. I never found an answer. Because the one thing I want..." he smiles wryly. "It's something I know I can't have. But I think I know... I think I know now. Happiness isn't in the _having_. It's in just _being_. It's in just saying it." 

Dean does not know what's going on. He knows nothing except for the fact that he is very, very scared of whatever Cas will say next. "What are you talking about, man?"   
  
"I know. I know how you see yourself, Dean. You see yourself the same way our enemies see you." Dean has to close his eyes for a second, because he did _not_ know he was this easy to read. "You're destructive and you're angry and you're broken. You're... You're 'Daddy's Blunt Instrument.'" Dean almost nods. He's not really seeing a lie in there. What is Cas trying to get at?   
  
"And you think hate and anger, that's... that's what drives you. That's who you are. It's not. And everyone who knows you sees it. Everything you have ever done, the good and the bad, you have done for love. You raised your little brother for love. You fought for this whole world for love. _That_ is who you are," Cas says, eyes wide and insistent. Dean feels frozen, the world beginning to collapse around him in ways that it only has a few times before, each time Cas died. He feels so far away. _Cas_ is so far away. 

"You're the most caring man on Earth. You are the most selfless, loving human being I will ever know," Castiel says, each word said with intense conviction, like he believes what he's saying. Like he is utterly _convinced_ that Dean is good. 

"You know, ever since we met and ever since I pulled you out of Hell-" 

Cas' voice from a lifetime ago rings in Dean's ears. _"I'm the one who gripped you tight and raised you from perdition."_

"Knowing you has changed me. Because you cared, I cared. I cared about you. I cared about Sam. I cared about Jack. I cared about the whole world because of you." 

_"Good things do happen, Dean."_

"You changed me, Dean," Cas says, and it hurts. It hurts and he doesn't know why.   
  
"Why does this sound like a goodbye?" Dean asks. Tears are welling up in his eyes, stuck in his throat, choking him. He tries very hard not to let them spill over and sob like a child, like Cas is already gone. Because he's going, isn't he? He's going and Dean won't be able to stop him.   
  
"Because it is," Cas tells him, honest as he always is. And then, as if Dean hasn't hurt enough-

"I love you."

Dean Winchester has never been known for making good, rational decisions. If anything, no matter what he's said, his go-to is _always_ half-cocked, knee-jerk choices. Now is no different. His mind has started racing, trying desperately to find a way to _not have this be the end._ He's always been great at fucking things up royally, hasn't he? Can't he do this one thing? Can't he (as selfish as it is, but Dean _is_ selfish) find a way to make this _not_ Cas' happiest moment? And he's so busy thinking about keeping Cas _here_ that he almost misses what he's said. Cas loves him. 

Cas loves _him._

_"This is your problem, Dean. You have no faith."_

"Don't do this, Cas," Dean forces out, throat raw, heart ripping itself apart in his chest. "Cas." _Don't let this be the end. Don't leave me. It's supposed to be **me** first. _

"Goodbye, Dean." And his angel smiles, an awful, tearful smile, and Dean wonders how _this_ could be Cas' moment of true happiness. How can it be, when it's tearing Dean up inside, making him feel unsteady and sick? 

But then Castiel's hand is on Dean's chest, shoving him back. His back hits the wall with a thud just as blind panic forces him back up, back onto his feet. He sees the Empty is reaching for Cas, winding around him, but Dean absolutely will not stand here and let this thing take Castiel. So he reaches out and grabs Cas' arm. The angel's eyes go wide and alarmed just as the Empty takes him. 

And the Empty doesn't care. The Empty takes both of them. 

* * *

Dean wakes up some indeterminate amount of time later to darkness. It's not shadowy darkness, it's just... empty. He snorts. How fitting. But now's not the time- he needs to find Cas. He needs to find his blue-eyed angel and break them both out of this place. So he hauls himself to his feet and stumbles forward, almost collapsing as he does. 

He picks a direction and starts walking. And the thing about walking, especially walking to a completely unknown destination (except that it's where Cas is, _cascascas_ ), is that it gives you all the time in the world to think. 

Castiel loves him. He'd said it. Dean dares to hope, for once, that he meant it as in _I am **in** love with you _and not as in _you're my brother and I love you,_ because he doesn't think he can handle that. 

He knows he has a thing for men too, he came to terms with it a while ago. It's being specifically into _Cas_ that scares him. Not only has Dean seen too many friendships end because feelings got involved, but with their lifestyle, when any of them could die in a moment? It would be so much worse to lose Cas if they were more. Although maybe, he thinks, it hurts worse _now_ because Cas was ready to die thinking Dean didn't love him back. 

Don't get him wrong- Dean knows he's emotionally constipated. He is aware. But with years of thinking _I'm in love with him_ on his side, he thinks it might be easier than he thought to actually say it now. And he's not going out without telling Cas, the angel who gave everything for him and Sam, over and over, 

Maybe it's this thought that gets him going. He's exhausted, his heart feels like it's going to burst, and there's a tugging in the pit of his stomach that says _just a little further._ But he feels calmer now. Because if he chooses to tell Castiel now, there's no chance of rejection. He won't mess it up. He _knows_ now. 

"I love him," Dean proclaims to the darkness. "I love him. I really, really love him." 

All that follows is silence. 

"I've got nothing left to lose, right? Nothing. The world is ending, again-" he snorts, "And Cas said he loves me, and I've got nothing left to lose." Dean swallows hard and continues. "He said I'm the thing he knows he can't have. He's an idiot." And the words, the noise they make- as soon as they come out of his mouth they're swallowed by the darkness. There's no echo, no sign that he ever really said it. 

"'Can't have me,'" Dean repeats, because it really was a stupid thing to say. "He had me the whole time. The _whole_ time. He had me all along, and apparently everyone knew it but us." 

And he laughs. He _laughs,_ because it's all so absurd- he doesn't know if he's alive or dead, doesn't know what's happened back on Earth, and he can't tell which direction he's going. But not once do the thoughts _maybe Castiel isn't here, maybe he's dead, maybe I won't find him_ cross his mind. Dean will find Cas. He's sure of it. 

"Haven't heard somebody laugh in here in a long time," the high voice of a teenager pierces through the quiet. Dean whirls, but when he finds nobody, turns slowly until he sees a short young man standing just in front of him and off to the side. He has pale, almost translucent skin, scraggly black hair that reaches his shoulders, and impossibly dark eyes that regard Dean with distrust. 

"Who are you?" Dean asks slowly, making sure his hands are visible so the man knows he's not looking for a fight. 

"My name is Raziel," the man says. "I know who _you_ are, Dean." 

"How-" Dean furrows his brows, "How d'you know?" 

"Because someone came through here about five minutes ago calling your name," Raziel says, "And you, me and him are the only ones awake in the Empty right now." 

" _Cas_ ," Dean breathes. "Did you- where'd he go?" 

"Hush. Listen," Raziel says, holding up a finger. Dean doesn't question it, just goes quiet and listens hard. 

Someone's crying. He can hear faint sobbing, and he looks at Raziel with wide eyes. _Cas?_ he mouths, and the other man shrugs. 

"Follow the noise," he says, and Dean nods. 

"Thank you," he says. Raziel just smiles, a small, tiny thing that is an echo of Cas', just before they landed here. 

"Make sure you get out of here," he says, gaze going hard and tense. "It's not your time, or his. Go." 

And Dean does, Dean goes. He sprints in the general direction of the crying, and as he gradually gets closer, he starts calling- "Cas? Cas!" He's out of breath and a cramp is starting to form in his left side, but he keeps going, because _it's where Cas is._

Dean finally finds Castiel, crumpled on the ground. His body shakes from the effort of holding back tears. Dean's heart rips itself in half all over again as he gets closer and drops to his knees in front of the man he loves. 

"Cas?" he whispers, and the angel's eyes fly open in a second. He pushes himself up to kneel in front of Dean, his blue eyes (brighter blue now, from crying) darting all over Dean, looking for new injuries. 

"Dean," Cas mutters, voice rough. "You're here- you're not supposed to be here. I wasn't supposed to take you, too." 

"Wasn't your choice to make," Dean says firmly. He pulls Cas into a hug, almost crying at how warm and solid Cas is under his hands. He buries his head in the crook of Cas' neck, because he can, and because Cas _loves him._ He feels Cas return the gesture, wrapping his arms around his hunter. And that's when it sort of clicks for Dean. 

Cas has died for Dean over and over again. He's saved his life, from hell, on hunts- too many times to count. All the affection and lingering looks _meant_ something. This is what they meant. Cas loves him. And Dean loves him back- he's pretty sure he always has. 

"Cas," he mumbles, and pulls back to get another look at him. "What the hell were you thinking?" Dean demands. "What _was_ that?" 

Cas looks down at his hands. "I'm sorry, Dean. My intentions were never to make you uncomfortable." 

"Uncomfortable-" Dean starts, but is cut off by his phone ringing. "What the-?" he mumbles, pulling it out of his pocket. But it's Jack's number that shows up, so he picks up, keeping a hand on Cas' shoulder to keep him there. 

"Jack?" he asks. 

"Dean," Jack says. "I heard you're in the Empty." 

"You heard right," Dean says. "Me and Cas." 

"I can get you out," Jack says bluntly. 

Dean presses his lips together and shakes his head. "No. Not unless Cas comes too." 

Silence for a moment. "I can pull some strings," he says. "According to the Empty, you've been causing some commotion. I can make a deal." 

"The last deal someone made _got_ us in here," Dean mutters. Out of the corner of his eye he sees Cas flinch, making him feel ten kinds of guilt. "Alright. Thank you, Jack." He pockets his phone, "How did he even call me, anyway? Last time I checked, I don't get cell service in the Empty." 

"It's Jack," is the only answer Cas gives him in an almost monotone voice. His knees are drawn up to his chest, and he's staring off into the darkness that surrounds them. 

"Cas," Dean says. No reply. " _Cas,_ " he says, a little more forcefully this time. Cas finally looks up at him, blue eyes blank. He swallows hard and forces himself to keep going. "You're so _stupid_ ," he says, "You said you couldn't have me and you knew it. How didn't you see it, Cas? How didn't you see that you had me the whole time?" 

"Dean," Cas says, sitting up. "You-" 

"Shut up," Dean says. "You always had me, Cas, the whole time. And I... I was afraid of it. Stupid and afraid of what it meant- for me, and then how everyone else would see it. But now I'm not, Cas, you get it? I'm not. _I love you too._ " 

Cas' mouth opens to reply, but before he can say anything, there's a tugging in the pit of Dean's stomach and everything goes black. 

* * *

Dean wakes up in his bed in the bunker. Blinking lazily, he stretches and realizes- he wasn't here before. And also, _Cas,_ where is Cas? Is Sam here? Jack? Well, there's only one way to find out, so he gets up, opens the door to his room and goes out to the living room. And boom, there's Cas, Sam, and Jack, sitting on the couch, talking quietly. Jack looks up and nudges Sam, and everyone looks up with similar expressions of shock. 

Sam's the first one up, pulling Dean into a tight hug. He can't help smiling and ruffling his baby brother's hair as Sam pulls away, much to his chagrin. Jack is next, and Dean whispers _thank you_ in his ear as they embrace. Jack just squeezes him a little tighter. And then there's Cas, who's still on the couch, trying not to make eye contact with him. 

"Cas, you gonna come say hi?" he asks. 

Cas looks up and gives him a small smile that doesn't quite reach his eyes. "Hello, Dean." 

_Oh, you dumbass._ Dean crosses the room and stops right in front of Castiel. He leans down slowly, making sure Cas has an out to take if he doesn't want it- but he doesn't move, so Dean presses closer and kisses him softly. He pulls back to see the light back in Cas' eyes and a grin spreading across his face. 

"I love you," Dean whispers. 

"I know," Cas says.

Dean gasps- "Did you- was that-" he whirls to look at Sam and Jack to see that the latter is giggling (of course) and the former is just looking on with a sappy smile. 

"I think it was," Sam says. 

"You dork," he says, and kisses Cas again. This time it's deeper, hotter- Cas' touch anchors him, which is good because Dean feels as if he could blow away in a moment. 

"Okay, okay," Sam claps his hands, "Take it to the bedroom, at least- we like this couch." Cas flushes a _very_ pretty pink as Dean flips off his brother. He looks down at his angel, who beams back up at him. He knows he's doing the same- Cas loves Dean, and Dean loves Cas.

It's really good to be home. 

**Author's Note:**

> *sobs* THEY SHOULD HAVE HAD A HAPPY ENDING. THEY SHOULD HAVE BEEN TOGETHER. THEY SHOULD HAVE HAD SO MUCH MORE.


End file.
